wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
