she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
