Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
