You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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