The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
