You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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