My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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