Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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