Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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