barbara walters just said penis...
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
