evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
how drunk are you?
Several
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize