at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
