Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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