So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
you never un-have a 4some
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
false alarm, still single
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
