youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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