You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
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