do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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