On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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