i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
it wasn't lemon gatorade
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
