She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
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