Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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