I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
