I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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