No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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