He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
