Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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