meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
