you're like a bully in the Christmas story
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Randomize
