Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
