She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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