I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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