You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize