I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
