Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
