Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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