I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
