I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
