Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
