Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
