This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
