The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
