I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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