She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
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