i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize