it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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