I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
