So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
