I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
