after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
