Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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