the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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