im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
