Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
