That's when you crack a 10am beer
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
