dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
