I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
