everyone is single if you try hard enough
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Randomize
