You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
