Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
