Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
foreskin is a definite game changer
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
