what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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