You smell like stripper and shame
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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