Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
