Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
