I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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