I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Randomize
