Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Don't make out with my wife yet
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Randomize
