I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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