Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize