What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Randomize
